adios..

ang nakaraan ay magsisilbi na lamang karanasan. ito’y magiging makabuLuhan kung babaLikan..

ikaw ay kabilang na lamang sa aking nakaraan. oo, mahapdi man para sa aking puso, nararapat ko na ring tanggapin. “nakaraan”?? tila nag-bibitak-bitak ang aking mga labi sa tuwing bibigkasin ko ang salitang iyon. may kung anong matalim na bagay ang unti-unting gumuguhit sa aking lalamunan pababa sa aking puso. ngunit gayunpaman, ang mundong aking tinatahak sa ngayon ay patuloy ang pagsigaw. walang tigil na pagsigaw. “dignidad! dignidad!”. tama, dignidad ang siyang tangi kong sandata upang matanto na ang buhay ko ay hindi na pwede pang uminog sa’yo.. hindi na dapat.. hindi na kailanman..

itigil na ang isang taong pagpapanggap! pagpapanggap na tuluyan na kitang nalimutan. maaaring nakagigising na ako sa umaga ng hindi mukha mo ang hinihiling na unang masilayan, ngunit sa aking isipan ay imahe mo pa rin ang siyang nakapinta. sinanay na lamang ako marahil ng panahon na wala ka sa aking piling. subalit, ang masaklap na katotohanan ay; hindi ako manhid. hanggang ngayon ay nananatili pa rin ang iyong presensya sa aking bawat pag-iisa.. namatay man ang ating pagsasama, buhay na buhay ka pa rin sa aking ala-ala. ang nag-iisang lalaking aking minahal. inibig. inirog. sininta.

wala na nga yatang patutunguhan pa ang aking paghihintay.  sapat na ba ang isang taon at tatlong buwan upang matauhan sa katotohanan? katotohanang hindi ka na babalik pa.. ni  magpakita pa, ay lalong hindi.  hanggang doon na nga lang talaga tayo. ang pagpunta sa mga lugar na ating pinuntahan, pagbabakasakaling paglaruan tayong muli ng tadhana, tayo’y magkitang muli.. batid mo ba kung gaano kahirap at kasakit iyon?  sa umaga, mukha mo pa din ang pumupungas sa aking mga mata. tila isang kamay na nagpapawi ng aking antok. sabay pagpapalit dito ng sakit. dahil alam kong isa ka na lamang panaginip sa aking paggising. na sa oras na ako’y tuluyan nang namulat ay tuluyan ka na ring mawawala.  napakabigat sa pakiramdam ang bawat paggalaw ng wala ka sa aking tabi.  sa tuwing sasapit ang gabi ng aking malamig na pag-iisa. totoo, iba’t ibang kasiyahan ang aking pinupuntahan gabi-gabi. ngunit hindi ko hangad ang literal na katuwaang aking matatamo sa mga iyon, ngunit ang paglilibang.. ang pagpapatay ng oras. pagpapatay? sana nga, kasabay ng oras ay mamatay na rin ang aking hangal na pag-ibig para sa’yo. ngunit, sa aking pag-iisa. pilitin ko man ay ‘di ko pa rin mapigilan ang pagbabalik-tanaw.

pagbabalik-tanaw..

baguhan sa klase, ikaw at ang iyong mga kaibigan ay kusang lumapit sa akin. niyayang makisaya sa bahay ng isa sa inyo. sumama naman ako. sumunod na araw, naulit iyon. naulit ng naulit. siyang naging daan kaya tayo nagkalapit. tuluyang nagkalapit hanggang sa nahulog. ngunit teka.. teka.. mali.. hindi tama. nakalimot tayo. lalo na ikaw. nalimutang may isa pang bababeng nauna mong minahal. patuloy pa rin ang inyong relasyon sa kabila ng paulit-ulit niyang panloloko sa iyo. bigla na lamang siyang lumisan, kasabay noon ay ang paghihiwalay ninyo. at sa pagkakataong iyon, inihayag mo na ang iyong damdamin.  ang iyong pinipigil-pigil ngunit ‘di kayang pigilan na pag-ibig. kahit na sa aking sarili ay ayaw kong aminin na ako ay mayroon na ring lihim na pagtingin. labis ang iyong kabutihang ipinakita noon. labis! sa aking pag-iisa ay naroon ka.. kung may suliranin man, balikat mo pa rin ang aking nasasandalan. ngunit nilabanan ko pa rin ang aking puso. pinilit kitang iwasan.pinilit ng pinilit ng pinilit. ngunit isa akong talunan sa labang iyon. mahirap palang kalabanin ang sarili!

ika-25 ng Disyembre,2006, iyon ang pinakamasayang sandali natin. atin nang pinag-isa ang pag-ibig. tanggap ng ating mga pamilya, ngunit hindi ng mga kaibigan. gayunpaman, nagpatuloy pa rin tayo. makalipas ang isang buwan, muli siyang nagbalik at binabawia ng aniya ay “kanya”. ikaw.  labag man sa aking dignidad ay pinapili kita. ako nga ang iyong pinili ngunit sa loob ng ilang buwang pagsasama ay patuloy mo pa rin siyang kinatatagpo ng palihim. para akong isang henyong nagpapakadalubhasa sa isang pagsasaliksik. pagsasaliksik ukol sa mga paraan upang masolo ko ang iyong puso. hanggang sa nagksundo na tayong magpakasal. iyon na yata ang pinaka maligayang sandali sa buhay ko. sa harap ng maraming ‘di kilalang tao ay sinabi mong pakakasalan mo ako.  hindi ko na inintindi ang ating kabataan noon dala ng sobra sobrang kaligayahan! tila isa kong dahon na patuloy ang paglutang sa hangin, sa sariwang hangin. ang mga anghel ay umawit sa aking mga tenga. may pistang naganap sa aking puso. ang mga bituin ay namalagi sa aking mga mata.

ngunit sa araw ng kasunduan ay bigla ka na lamang nawala. hanggang sa pinatunayan ng iyong pamilya at ng lahat na tuluyan mo “siyang” binalikan.

ikinumpara ninyo ako sa isang basurang basta na lamang itinapon matapos tapak-tapakan.

ngayon, ang tanong ay: ang “nakaraan” ay isa na bang “karanasan” na dapat pang “balikan” upang bigyan “kabuluhan”?

isa ka na lamang ala-ala sa aking mapait na nakaraan..

” nunca “

    NUNCA..                                                                      

i never had a chance to say i Love you..

     .. right after we quarreled.

i never had a chance to be with you..

     .. and introduce you to my whoLe family, then.

i never had a chance to hear your voice..

     .. saying how much i mean to you.

i never had a chance to eat..

     .. with you and your cooked dish.

i never had a chance to cry..

     .. all my sorrows with you, for you’re the cause.

i never had a chance  to watch..

     .. the sunset with you, just the sunrise.

i never had a chance to be surprised..

     .. by your different sweet plans.

i never had a chance to buiLd a sand castLe..

     .. whiLe thinkin’ you’LL be my prince forever.

i never had a chance to say goodbye..

my heart can’t..

i never had a chance to get over you..

i just Learned to be numb through time..

i wish you never love me, instead..

hi.. how are you doin’??  what you’ve been up to?  i miss you.. a Lot! so much! a Lot of Lots!  i’m kinda wonderin’ if you’re happy as of now as what the others say.. but, i must admit, i’m stiLL wishing that i wouLd be the one who wouLd give your happiness. just Like our oLd times together.. we used  to quarreL aLmost everyday, but at the end of the day, we never sLept not fixing it.. quite chiLdish, but sweet, isn’t it?  

i miss the time we’re acting Like mother-and-chiLd.. i’m gonna wake up too earLy, just to go into your house and wake you up as weLL.. ‘coz you Love to wake up seeing my face first in the morning.. my kiss in your rosy cheeks serves as your aLarm cLock.. you’LL be dragging me down to bed to sLeep with you.. then, i wiLL throw aLL the piLLows in your stomach, cover your face with a bed sheet.. ‘tiLL you’LL finaLLy get up to take a bath.. but, you keep on coming back into your room wherein i’m stiLL there fixing your things; saying: “can you prepare my cLothes, pare?? pLs.. just for now.. “

i’LL pinch you and say, ” as aLways!! “

we’LL be goin’ to schooL together.. we’re hoLding each other’s hands too tight.. the nearer we get into the schooL, the tighter we hoLd each one.. it’s Like we’LL be entering a kingdom of wiLd animaLs.. who kept on attacking us on our back.. .

the cLass is dismissed.. ……

we’LL be either goin’ in your home, or hangin’ out in a different pLace..a pLace we’ve never been into.. we’LL be eating some exotic foods..  you’LL be irrate and say; ” we just wasted our money.. “

i’LL just smiLe at you and say, ” it doesn’t matter, at Least we did it together.. ” so sweet, isn’t it?! i’m not after what we’ve done, but with whom i’d done such things.. isn’t it romantic to do things that are rare or unique with the one you wanted to be with for the rest of your Life?? enjoying things together.. sacrificing things together.. how ideaL it is.. just an ideaL.. but not that reaL..

that’s aLL for now.. that’s what i couLd say for now.. our happy mem’ries.. the sunrise.. yeah,, the sunrise.. i stiLL Love watching the sunrise with you and onLy with you.. how ’bout the sunset?…

…. to be continued..

reaLity..

Looking forward to be a suma.

?????????!!!!!!!!!

is it possible for me to be invisibLe today??!!!  hey… i do exist!!

heLLo.. goodbye.. ( for now.. )

there are some things that aren’t reaLLy meant for you.. just Like some peopLe who just pass you by.. or shouLd i say, pass your Life by.. it’s Like, today, they say heLLo to you,, then, the next day, you hang out together. sharing thoughts, and some mem’rabLe moments each of you had.. and tommorrow comes.. here he is.. saying goodbye to you.. feeLing gratitude for the Li’L times you’ve shared together.. you’re just surprised, of course.. ‘coz you’re expecting or just simpLy thinkin’ that on the coming days, you’LL be doin’ this with him, eating that with him, going there with him, riding here with him.. and that is the sad part.. you just end up thinking.. just thinking.. pLanning.. but reaLity bites, you have nothing to do, but to accept the truth.. his decision.. no matter what.. the point is; at Least, he somehow, touched your Life, or vice versa.. there’s no permanent in this pLanet nga e ‘diba.. you have to feeL great for him in anyways.. who knows, the reason must be a career move, a famiLy matter, an emotionaL or physicaL heaLing.. it’s just that you have to understand different circumstances.. why am i saying this?? oh by the way,, i’m not referring specificaLLy into a guy.. it’s a generaL subject.. i just wanna express it out.. i was hurt.. a Li’L bit..

i met a new friend.. yeah.. i consider her a friend, aLready.. she’s so nice to me, though she’s a bit oLder than me,, ( not that oLd.. just about 15 yrs oLder ) and has a high status and officiaL position.. we used to share some thoughts every day.. i treat her as my eLdest sister n nga.. she reaLLy touches my life in some ways.. i’d Learn some Lessons from her.. Lessons in Life.. she makes me realize what i might lost if i’m goin’ to this and that, or where wouLd i be if i’m gonna be Like this and that.. i never skip to greet her every morning.. it’s Like greeting my bioLogicaL sister whom i miss soooooo much, for she’s not with me for aLmost a month.. 

she owns a cLassic restau in town, that’s why she kept on giving me and some of my other friends foods.. ( har!har! )

‘tiLL one morning, i came Late, and when i caLled her, she toLd me it was her last day in the company.. ( by the way, we’re workin’ in one company ), what’s the reason?? it’s a career move, and a bit personaL..

yeah,, i’m sad ‘coz we won’t have the reguLar chat we used to do, but i feel great and nothing to be sorry about.. for i know,, i done one of my personaL  thoughts in Life; “ spend every minute mem’rabLe “  . i did it with her.. anyways, i’m doin’ it with everybody, esp. with my friends.. true friends.. and of course, with my famiLy, aLso..

i just miss her.. 

surviving..

tattoo by jordin sparks

if she couLd only change the worLd, she would.. she is stiLL Longin' for his embraces.. as tight as if he wanted to make their bodies into one.. missing his soft sensuaL kisses.. she wants to be stupid for the 98th time.. she wants to be in his arms again.. she is stiLL a prisoner of their mem'ries.. keep on reminiscing the times they were together.. the bad times and the good.. aLL this time, she thought she is over it; she is recovered; she is heaLed.. but she's not numb.. she can stiLL feeLs the warmth, the very speciaL warmth deep inside.. every minute strikes deep with in.. she wants to create a worLd, wherein there is no creature but onLy the two of them. therefore, nothing can ever stop them. no one can be considered.. nothing is impossibLe.. 

wouLd he come back for her.. even in her wiLdest dreams?? 

so-caLLed so coLd..

supposedLy, i’m feeLin’ better for my status as of now..

supposedLy, he’s no Longer in my memories..

supposedLy, i’m greatfuL for having new friends..

supposedLy, i’m feeLin’ great for a friend who just Left for a career move..

supposedLy, she’s busy thinking of me and my sibLings..

supposedLy, i’m gLad for wherever he is as of now..

supposedLy, he’s with me from that day on..

supposedLy, the edge is in my bare hands..

supposedLy, i’m buiLding the bridge towards success..

supposedLy, i’m happy..

supposedLy, i’m awake.. in reaLity…

… done dreaming of the irony of so-caLLed Life..

supposedLy…

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